Do you wonder how people see you?
Do you ever wonder if you have what they want?
Today, I’m talking about how it’s actually your call, not theirs. You get to decide how other people see you.
When I was married, I thought I was missing things in my marriage; like not being told that I was beautiful, attractive, desirable, or sexy.
There wasn’t a whole lot of evidence in the marriage to show that those were things that my husband believed about me, but I so desperately wanted him to see me that way. And I didn’t understand why it wasn’t happening.
Well, after he left, I had a moment of clarity. I realized, these are choices that I can make. I didn’t need to wait for him to say I’m beautiful and to decide that I’m beautiful. I don’t need to wait for him to tell me that. I can just decide on my own.
I’m beautiful. I’m desirable. I’m sexy.
Once I decided to be beautiful, desirable, and sexy, instead of waiting for someone else to give those to me as if they were gifts, everything changed. I showed up differently. People responded to me differently. I dressed differently. I carried myself differently. I spoke differently. And it was all based on those things that I was missing, that I finally realized, these are choices that I can make for myself. These are decisions that I can make for myself.
Something else really fascinating happened to me as a result of making these decisions. My mom came to visit very shortly thereafter. We were in line at a casino that she wanted to visit for some reason. She looked at me and she said you know whom you look like? I just thought that was the funniest question in the world. I’m like, your daughter. (We had a big laugh about that).
Then she said, “No, there’s something different about you. There’s something different about the way you look.” I said, “Well, you know, because of this whole divorce crap, I’ve lost a lot of weight. Maybe it’s that.”
She said no, it’s not a weight thing. You physically look different in your face. Buddy, you just, you physically look different.
I was mystified by that at first, but then a couple of weeks later a friend said the same thing – that I looked completely different, and that she almost didn’t recognize me when she was watching me in an old video because I look so different.
Now, I had done nothing different. But it reminded me of the moment I had to put down my sweet kitty, Jimmy. I don’t know if anyone’s ever done that, but it is a painful, awful experience. I remember the vet told me once all the liquid comes out of the needle and into his body, he’s going to be gone instantly. They told me I could watch the needle and I decided I wanted to look into his eyes. I want to see him, let him know that I was here to the end. So I looked into his eyes the whole time and I sang him little songs and told him I loved him. It was so weird because, in one instant, he was my sweet boy, and in the next moment, I didn’t recognize him.
I knew that’s when all the fluid had exited the needle and into his body. I didn’t even recognize him anymore just one moment later. This moment made me realize that it was his soul that was the piece of him that I recognized.
I didn’t go through any kind of death when my mom and my friend said that I looked different. But I did experience sort of a death of myself. Because this happened after I decided how I wanted to be seen, and I showed up that way. Something about my physical appearance changed. It was like the old version of me died and went away. And the new version of me who looked different was there.
I have a shirt that says, “Be Strong, Be Beautiful, Be You,” which I’ve been calling my divorce shirt ever since it became a reminder of how I want to be seen.
In her book, “You Are A Badass,” (an amazing book), author Jen Sincero talks about the root of the word decision, meaning to cut off all other possibilities; meaning absolutely nothing else is possible. That is what that means when you decide something. There is so much power in that decision that absolutely nothing else is possible.
When I decided that I am lovable, I am desirable, I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am strong, I was cutting off all other possibilities. Nothing else was possible. That’s very powerful. It’s also liberating!
If you want to be seen a certain way, know that you have the ability. When you don’t take the opportunity to decide for yourself how you want to be seen, then you give away that decision-making power to the people around you to decide who you are, and how they see you. We are a reflection of how people see us, and if we are sending a mixed message, then people don’t really know how to see us. They make their own decisions. When we send a clear message about who we are, by how we show up – which includes how you dress, how you carry yourself, how you speak – then people are seeing you how you want to be seen, which means that you are deciding for them, the expectations that they set for you.
That puts you in a position of power.
That decision-making power is yours.
I encourage you to take my POWER Type Quiz, which will help you to identify what your power is. Once you have that information, it gives you some clues about how you can show up, how you can broadcast a much clearer picture of yourself.
I always recommend getting clarity about your true self as the absolute first step. Knowing your POWER Type helps you get clear on your innate personality, which helps you to maximize that power of your own identity to your advantage. When you use that to your advantage, you’re able to affect the way other people see you. It allows you to gain influence.
Now, if you are like me, and you have a situation where there’s a certain way that you desire to be seen, but not necessarily any evidence that other people see you that way, this is an opportunity for you to decide, and to cut off all possibility of anything else being true.
Don’t wait for others to give it to you like it’s an award or a gift. You are the one you get to give that to yourself.
When other people tell me I’m so beautiful, I say thank you. It’s a bonus, but I don’t need it from them because I already decided for myself that that’s true. You have that same power too, and it’s all in the word decision. It’s all in the decisions that you make.
You may have to make this decision every single day until you believe that it’s real. Wake up in the morning and make that decision, whatever that is for you.
When it comes to achieving what you desire, a decision is the most powerful tool available to you. It’s also particularly advantageous when we are practicing how we want to show up in the world.